25 Simple Ways To Deepen Spiritual Intimacy In Your Marriage

As we laid in bed together, lights out, it had become later than I realized.  Even though we were both exhausted from a long day, I wanted to lead us in finishing the day with prayer. But every time I wanted to say speak up, something held me back.  Frustrated with myself, we eventually just drifted off to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning, I felt a little smaller than the night before.

If you’re married, or in a serious relationship, I bet you understand.  You want to be spiritually intimate, but it’s hard.  Really hard. In fact, as a pastor who works with Christian couples on a regular basis, a lack of spiritual intimacy and emotional connection is among the most difficult challenges they face. And nearly every couple I work with faces it.

If you do, you’re completely normal.

Some of you wonder what in the world I’m talking about. You go to church and weekly small group. You may have no problem praying or reading the bible with your spouse. You don’t fight much and life just kind of goes along smoothly. You both love God and generally do what Jesus wants you to. Isn’t that spiritual intimacy?!

Whether you know you struggle in this area or feel completely content, I trust this article will challenge you to go deeper together in your relationship with Christ. In the next few moments, we’ll start by expanding (exploding?) our idea of what spiritual intimacy is all about, first with God, then in our marriages. We’ll close with 25 practical ideas to build spiritual intimacy with your spouse.

What Is ‘Spiritual Intimacy’ Anyway?

How would you define spiritual intimacy?  (Before you read on, take a moment and think about it.)

If you’re anything like me, you probably think of reading the bible, praying, or doing other spiritual practices with your spouse. Maybe you included worshiping or engaging in other devotional practices, too. Still others think about pursuing spiritual experiences, reading a devotional book, or going through bible study booklets together.

You’re not wrong.  In marriage, of course we’re called – together – to talk to, and hear from, the God who made us one (Genesis 2:24).

Some of you may suspect that spiritual intimacy is bigger than that.  That this area is more than just doing a few specific things with your husband or wife.   Again, you’d be right. And yet, it’s hard to imagine what that ‘more’ might be.

Zooming out, it’s fair to say most of us live with a working definition of spiritual intimacy in a godly marriage as doing some kind of devotional act with our spouse.  Even if we sense there’s more to it, it feels pretty fuzzy, so we don’t get around to filling it in, let alone acting on it.

Our sense that having a spiritually intimate marriage matters, yet not knowing what to do – and, often, giving up – leaves us full of guilt and shame. That also makes it hard to talk about spiritual growth or our level of spiritual intimacy with other Christian couples. So we shy away from meaningful conversations in this area, which removes one of God’s major plans for our growth: community.

Re-thinking Our Intimacy With God

Let me explain why we can’t afford to narrowly define spiritual intimacy in marriage as merely joint bible reading, prayer, or other devotional practices.

Think about your own relationship with the Lord for a moment.  Apart from your spouse.  Would you be okay with simply reading the bible, praying, and singing as the sum total of your walk with God? Would you say those are the only times you’re connecting with him on a deeper level?

Hopefully not, right? Even if you spend two hours a day in God’s presence and sleep another eight, what about the other fourteen hours every day?

Don’t get me wrong.  Each of the practices and spiritual exercises above are biblical and can be cornerstones of our relationship with God.  He’s said so (Joshua 1:8; Jeremiah 29:12; Revelation 14:3).

And there is a special kind of connection that can come when we set aside time to hear from Christ clearly and directly through God’s word.  Or, talk to him as we pray.  It’s not hard to see that those things offer a more immediate, deeper spiritual connection than, for example, taking out the trash, studying for an exam, or playing on the floor with your kids.

Still, we all know how easy it is to go through the motions during our devotional times.  When that happens, sometimes we move on, feeling good – or at least not bad – about ourselves because we’ve done what ‘good Christians’ are supposed to do.

But what if we aren’t spending consistent time in devotional practices?  Then, we can feel like a total failure, an unworthy, second-class Christian.  As if the time we spend in devotions is the only thing God cares about.

While connecting with God through bible reading, prayer or singing are important, every moment of life can be a moment where we’re cultivating a strong spiritual connection with our Father.  (Or not.)

Because God has created me in his image and placed me in the world he created, every moment is lived in his presence. And can lead me closer to him, whether I recognize it or not.

Trusting him when I’m late to a meeting and feeling anxious.  Welcoming refugees because God has welcomed me and given me refuge from his wrath and others’ injustice.  Forgiving someone because God has showered his grace upon me in Christ. Asking my neighbors how they’re doing and getting to know them better.

I would argue that God cares as much about each of these moments as he does about my devotional time. And that they can both reflect my intimacy with him and play a role in further shaping it.

So, while our individual times of worship and devotion may be especially helpful in creating spiritual intimacy, our overall closeness to God involves so much more.

That’s incredibly hopeful because my devotional times are flat so many times.  Or filled with distraction when my son with autism and epilepsy needs extra help. Sometimes they’re shorter than I want them to be.  Even when I get it wrong – which is often – God wants to be close to us in a million other ways throughout our day.

At the end of the day, we’ve seen that the things we usually think of when we consider spiritual intimacy, such as various devotional practices and spiritual activities, are just one part of what it means to build spiritual intimacy with God. In fact, because God is always with us through his Holy Spirit, each moment can be part of a larger spiritual journey where we cultivate closeness with him.

The Importance Of Spiritual Intimacy With God For A Thriving Marriage Relationship

But how does all this relate to pursuing a healthy marriage where we are not only connected to God individually, but together as a couple?

Well – to state the obvious – our own individual, personal relationship with the Lord as a husband and wife is an important and necessary foundation for growing our joint intimacy with him. If we are both strong in Christ, then it’s far easier to pursue him well as a couple. To the degree that one or both spouses don’t, that will limit connection to Christ.

This is harder than it sounds. Years ago, my wife and I asked an older couple with a great marriage how they cultivate their spiritual life together. Their answer – and directness – surprised us.

‘Honestly, we’re probably not the best example in this area. We both spend quality time with God on our own and try to live for him in daily life. But we haven’t been able to do it well together.’

They were talking mainly about doing joint devotions, but even with our expanded view of spiritual intimacy including all of life, the larger point stands. How can a married couple keep learning what it means to pursue God together, not simply as individuals?

That’s what the next part of this post is all about.

Applying Insights From Our Personal Walk With God To Our Marriage

So let’s bend the approach from our individual spiritual intimacy with God toward spiritual intimacy in our marriages.

After all, Paul says that God created our marriage to reflect his love for us in Christ. After speaking of the way husbands and wives become ‘one flesh,’ he says that while ‘this mystery is profound… I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.’ (Ephesians 5:31, 32)

In other words, because the way husbands and wives (ideally) relate to each other mirrors the way God relates to us, we should expect similar contours for what spiritual intimacy looks like in each.

And that’s exactly what we find.

With the Lord, we found that our personal devotions can be special times of spiritual intimacy, but that each moment of our lives can, too.

In healthy marriages, we should definitely have moments where we seek God together, for example, in prayer.  Our connection with him is deepened during seasons where our marriages flourish. (And weakened when they are not.)

But there’s more, isn’t there?

After a frustrating day at work, for example, I came home grouchy.  But (my wife) Sharon showed me kindness and gave me a hug.  Not just as a ‘random act of kindness’ but because the Spirit lives inside of her (Galatians 5:22).  She didn’t share a bible verse or pray out loud for me, but this furthered our spiritual intimacy because she so clearly reflected Christ’s own love and grace toward me in that moment.

So, just like our intimacy with God involves much more than individual acts of devotion, so too our spiritual intimacy in marriage involves much more than acts of devotion we perform together.  It can happen at any moment, in a million ways, as we live normal life together.

25 Ways To Pursue Spiritual Intimacy With Your Spouse

Speaking of normal life, let’s get deeply practical about building spiritual intimacy with our spouse. Here are 25 ideas to consider as you pursue, with God’s help, a deep connection in your marriage.

1. Accept the limitations on marital intimacy that come with living in a fallen world.

While it’s good and right for Christian marriages to pursue the greatest depth of intimacy possible with God (Philippians 3:12-14) and each other, our sin, a world opposed to Christ, and the enemy will inevitably limit its ceiling. Without excusing sin or apathy, understanding there will be frustrations and setbacks creates reasonable expectations so we will not give up.

2. Have an honest talk.

When we face hard times and disconnection in our marriage, we naturally retreat and give up. But if things are going to improve, someone has to go first, like Jesus did for us. Approach your spouse with humility, express your disappointment about where things stand, and let him or her know you have a strong commitment to a more spiritually intimate marriage.

3. Go to counseling or therapy together.

In intimate relationships like marriage, it’s normal to get stuck sometimes. If your marriage is stuck or heading toward trouble, seeing a counselor or therapist could be a lifesaver. ‘Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety’ (Proverbs 11:14). One note: don’t let cost be the only factor in choosing a counselor. Many secular therapists accept insurance, while many explicitly Christian counselors do not. While God gives all counselors and therapists a part of his wisdom, if your marriage is going to represent God’s love for us well, receiving distinctly Christian input for it will be most beneficial.

4. Ask your church for help, support and accountability.

I know: not every pastor, elder or ministry leader knows how to support marriages well. But they are there to build you up individually and your marriage so that you can fulfill God’s purpose, to ‘keep watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account’ (Hebrews 13:17). Bonus tip – give your counselor and pastor permission to talk so that they have a fuller picture and can help you even more!

5. Read – or listen to – the bible and pray together.

Super obvious, yes, but perhaps so obvious we could miss it. Hearing what God has to say to us together is one great way to engage in spiritual things. If time is an issue, you might consider doing this on a drive together. Or, if your schedules are quite opposite, you could read the same passage and then talk about it together later.

6.  Find an older couple and learn from them.

God intended that younger saints learn from older ones. See Paul and Timothy, for example. My wife and I had the privilege of doing a week-long marriage intensive with Dave and Gayle in their home, where they poured into us through joint and individual times of teaching, reflection, and marriage coaching. While we also need more consistent mentoring, the larger point is to find an older couple who will walk alongside your marriage to strengthen it.

7. Deal with issues from your family of origin.

In a sense, we marry not only our spouse but his or her extended family as well, along with all their strong points, weak points, and assumptions. As you understand these more fully, it’s important to deal with them rather than ignore them or insist your family’s way is better than your spouse’s. This could be as serious as a history of childhood abuse or as benign as the different levels of cleanliness in your respective homes of origin. The key is to deal with these things constructively as a couple so they don’t hurt you later on.

8. Be aware of your enemy.

As Tim Keller put it, we live in a world where intelligent evil exists, so expect marriage to – at times – feel like a knife fight in a closet. Peter said, ‘Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.’ That fight you had the other night might not be confined to the sin you and your spouse brought to the table. When we’re aware of our enemy and his impact on our marriage, we learn to pray so we can ‘resist him, firm in [our] faith’ (1 Peter 5:9).

9. Be more aware of your Savior.

While Satan is powerful, Jesus is way more powerful, so our focus should be on him. At the cross, Christ has already ‘disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him’ (Colossians 2:15), and one day, he will return to complete the job of annihilating Satan as promised from the beginning (Genesis 3:15; Romans 16:20). This is true not only for us individually, but for our marriages, too.

10. Don’t compare your marriage to what you see on social media, TV, or the movies.

It’s so easy to see shiny, happy people – often our friends – who seem to be killing it on their Instagram or Facebook. While that idyllic vacation in Bali may be real, they probably didn’t post about their argument on the way to the airport. Jesus wants us to live before him, without worrying about what others – or even we – think. Let his opinion be the one that counts (1 Corinthians 4:3-4).

11. Maintain tenderness toward your spouse.

When we feel that our spouse has let us down, it’s easy to shut down and start shutting them out, something John Gottman has described as stonewalling, which occurs when one spouse withdraws from a conversation, shuts down, and stops responding to the other spouse. This can reduce the pain we’re feeling but also make it much harder to work on the relationship. God calls us to ‘be kind to one another, tenderhearted’ (Ephesians 4:29). Even if our spouse never changes, we will have an open heart that’s ready to move forward together.

12. Be vulnerable.

Do you share your struggles, weak points, and even sins with your husband or wife? I confess this is something I’m still learning in my own marriage. The truth is that I don’t like being weak and having others see I’m needy. But when we downplay our weakness and failures, it makes it hard for our spouse to relate to us honestly, or, pray along with us in areas we need growth.

13. Repent and forgive.

Up above, under number 11, I mentioned God’s call to remain tender and open toward our spouse, citing Ephesians 4:29. While there are several ways to do that, the rest of that verse shows us forgiving our spouse is one key: ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.’ If we get that Jesus had to forgive us a massive debt, bending that toward our spouse becomes much easier! And it prevents the heart-hardening that hurts many marriages.

The same can be said of repentance when we – not our spouse – are at fault. Don’t stop, don’t pass go – ask God for forgiveness, then approach your spouse, too.

14. Take initiative.

It’s so easy to sit back and do nothing for our spouses. Whether it’s due to laziness, selfishness, busyness, or taking them for granted, passivity in marriage is bad news. Part of God’s kindness to us is the (undeserved) initiative he took toward us in Christ’s incarnation, life, and death. And because of his Spirit living inside of us, we have the power to move toward our spouse.

15. Overcome the specific barriers to intimacy in your marriage.

Every couple has certain things – triggers – that threaten intimacy in their particular marriage. It frustrates Theo, for example, when Lena tells him on a daily basis he’s not doing enough around the house. And Lena gets annoyed when Theo shuts her down and says, ‘I’m doing the best I can!’ and doesn’t want to listen. They both have a point, but they’re stuck in a cycle where they’re focused on what their spouse is supposedly doing wrong. It would be far better for Theo to listen and consider helping more around the house, and for Lena to acknowledge the places where Theo really is trying. What are the barriers to intimacy in your marriage?

16. Do something together.

When Charles and Mary were dating, they spent a ton of time together. It didn’t really matter whether it was a road trip or a trip to Starbucks; they just enjoyed the daily time together. Fours year into their marriage, though, that had all but stopped as they became lost in their careers and keeping all the balls up in the air. Sometimes the path back to intimacy can begin with simply doing something together like an in-house movie night or something you both enjoy.

17. Pursue a spiritual resource together.

It’s hard to go wrong with bible reading or prayer, but there are other great resources available, too. My wife and I just gave my daughter and her husband a great couples devotional by Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage. There’s a separate guide for husbands and wives, and over a month, it helps you take small practical steps toward God and your spouse. There are, of course, many other resources couples can choose from.

18. Cultivate same-sex friendships.

Some time ago, my wife and I attended a marriage weekend led by a husband and wife team. During a guys breakout time, the husband flatly told us we need other guys in our lives, the ‘kind of friends you could die with.’ My wife had been telling me for years that I needed closer guy friendships, but for some reason, when he said it, God finally allowed me to listen and take action. And wow – it’s made such a difference. Not only for my own personal growth, but for my marriage too. Why? Because I can share stuff with my guy friends, without a filter, that I can’t fully share with my wife. And also because she doesn’t have to carry the burden of being my only real confidante. This tends to be more of an issue for men than women, but both husbands and wives need ‘ride or die’ spiritual support from true Christian friends they can be completely transparent with.

19. Cultivate married peers.

Just as we need individual friends of the same sex, couples need not only older married mentors but also married peers. These are usually other couples within a few years of you and often in the same life stage. The goal is to walk side by side, sharing the joys and challenges of life. I will say it’s surprisingly hard to find a couple where you both ‘click’ with both spouses in the other couple. Try not to be too picky; it doesn’t have to be perfect to play a pivotal role in building the type of intimacy you and your spouse are building together.

20. Bring back the romance.

I alluded to this under #16, but here I have in mind something more romantic. Something that will really show your spouse God’s love. This requires being a student of your spouse!

21. Have sex and pursue physical intimacy.

God devoted an entire book to romantic love, physical attraction, and sex – the Song of Solomon. (For a great guide to this book, see Pastor Tommy Nelson’s book about it.) Paul understood that a good marriage was not merely about ‘spiritual things’ when he told couples to have serving-oriented, regular sex to help couples keep temptation at bay (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).

22. Get out of the house – alone.

If you don’t have children, this shouldn’t be a big issue. But after kids arrive, it becomes much harder – and expensive. I can remember feeling like the cost and extra step of lining up a sitter felt like a thousand pound gorilla. Don’t repeat my mistake: enlist your parents, siblings or do a date night swap with another couple with kids. And don’t worry about the extra money you’ll spend – I promise, you’ll never miss it later on.

23. Be on mission together.

Have you ever noticed how it can get boring if you just sit around your house, even if you’re literally doing all the things you love without any responsibilities? Somehow, what should feel like Disneyland can start to feel like watching grass grow. Biblically-speaking, this makes sense, though, because God has blessed us to be a blessing – to others (Genesis 12:2-3). Francis Chan provides insight on this from his own marriage: ‘Truth be told, Lisa and I have very little in common… She loves Jesus. I love Jesus. And that’s enough. Our mutual love for Jesus — and His mission — binds us… We love being on the mission together. In fact, it is the times when we neglect the mission and just focus on our own desires that conflict arises. Staying on the mission is what draws us closer together.’

24. Don’t give up.

In nearly every marriage, there will be a season where you want to give up. After years of marriage, the lifelong commitment you made on your wedding day may feel more like a ‘ball and chain’ than the joy you imagined it would be. But the covenant you made then can be a powerful anchor if you’ll let it. In his excellent book The Meaning Of Marriage (page 26), Tim Keller cites sociologist Linda Waite’s finding that ‘longitudinal studies demonstrate that two-thirds of… unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced.’ Beyond that, keeping your promise mirrors God’s ways with us (John 10:30; Romans 8:38-39; Hebrews 13:5).

25. Remember the best is yet to come.

I remember being disappointed when I learned that human marriage will not continue in heaven (Matthew 22:30). In fact, to be honest, I’m still a little disappointed because I love my wife so much and can’t imagine not being married to her in heaven. But that’s probably because I haven’t understood how wonderful it will be to be married to Jesus as part of the larger church, the Bride of Christ.

When Jesus returns, even the most beautiful wedding on earth will pale compared to being joined to – married to – him forever. Looking forward into eternity, the Apostle John saw ‘the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God’ (Revelation 21:2-4). Because marriage was always intended as a sign pointing to God’s love for us in Christ, when we reach our final destination in heaven, the shadow of human marriage will give way to the ultimate reality we’ll have in Christ. It may feel far away and unimpressive now, but we will not be disappointed!

Press Forward Toward Spiritual Intimacy

While we wait for Christ’s return, I hope your view of spiritual intimacy in marriage has become bigger through this (admittedly imperfect) post.  While we should definitely seek out moments where we pray or read scripture with our spouse, every moment of life is an opportunity to work on spiritual intimacy.

For reflection:

1. As you think about your marriage, where are you strongest – doing devotional practices with your spouse, or, a more general, ‘all of life’ approach? Where are you weakest?
2. Which of the above 25 suggestions might be most helpful to you moving forward?

Let us know in the comments below!

For a condensed version of this post, you may be interested in my guest post, Six Ways To Pursue Spiritual Intimacy In Marriage, over at Desiring God.