So many of our problems with dating, engagement and marriage come from pride, our addiction to being right.
In this video (text version below with some extra material), I share one critical insight from the Song of Solomon that will help you work on the problems in your relationship. Together.
Whether you're dating, engaged or married, your relationship has challenges.
Before you read on, think about the top challenge in your relationship right now. And, what's causing the problem.
Got it? Great, read on.
It can be complicated, but many of our challenges come from our desire to be ‘right in [our] own eyes’ (Proverbs 21:2
). Whether it’s insisting that laundry be turned right-side-out, or resolving a disagreement, pride - at least for me - is natural and creates distance in our relationships.
The Song of Solomon shows us a better way in chapter 2, verse 15 as the woman quotes her lover (see v.10):
'Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.'
The song operates on multiple levels, including the different stages of a relationship between a couple getting ready for marriage. Here, ‘the foxes’ represent a threat to their relationship, their ‘vineyard’.
How are they going to solve their problems?
Notice what they're not going to do: argue over who’s to blame.
The only thing that matters is stopping the problem so that their relationship can continue to ‘blossom’ and thrive.
By the way, I'm not talking about overlooking sin that may well be one person’s problem more than the other’s. I'm just saying that we shouldn't stand on the sidelines and lob grenades at the other person until they change. We should pray for them, see how we can support them as they fight the particular sins and struggles they’re wrestling with.
And your boy/girlfriend, fianc(é)e or spouse - hopefully - will do the same for you.
But maybe that just sounds like theory, so let's make this practical. Let’s say your husband is defensive when you try to bring something up with them. Which makes it hard to address the problems in your relationship, to ‘catch the foxes’. You’re angry and frustrated about it.
You might be tempted to think: ‘if he would just stop being so defensive, our relationship would be so much better. All I can do is pray…’
Obviously, prayer is a good starting point, but that’s not really the approach Solomon is recommending here.
What else can you try so that you're working on the problem together? You could...
- Ask God to forgive you for your anger; release you from it.
- Bring up the issue with your husband, tell him it’s bothering you. Acknowledge any ways you’ve contributed… perhas by being defensive about his defensiveness.
- Share that your goal isn’t to pick him apart, but help him be all that Christ wants him to be. And, that your marriage can reflect the relationship between Christ and us, his church.
- Suggest biblical counseling if you need it.
- Ask friends to pray along with you.
I'm sure you can think of other ideas, but the point is that, instead of viewing your husband's defensiveness as only his problem, something he has to fix by himself. The point is that you start viewing his issue as something you might be contributing to, and can help him work on.
You're starting to work as a team on your (collective) problems because it's your relationship.
What If The Other Person Won't Work On Your Problems With You?
Hopefully, while you help the other person work on their issues, they will help you work on yours. But in a fallen world, I know it doesn't always go like that. If that's your situation, I'm sorry and I hope you'll accept a virtual hug.
So what do you do when you're basically in this alone?
If you're dating or engaged, I'll be direct. It's worth asking if this relationship should move toward marriage. All of us struggle with pride and being self-righteous at times, but when it's a pattern it will greatly compromise the relationship. You might need others to look into your relationship and offer honest feedback. Now (before you say 'I do') is the time to seek that out.
If you're married, things are different because you've promised to stay in this for the long haul (with certain, biblical exceptions). In general, God is asking you to hang in there, do you what you can do, and beg him for change. I've got a bunch of other thoughts on this, so let me know if you'd like me to do another post on that. (Sharing them here would make this post too long.)
Your Next Move
- What do you see as the top ‘fox’, or problem, in your relationship? Don't get overwhelmed; just choose one.
- How can you work on it together, rather than viewing it as primarily your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance(e)’s/spouse’s problem?