‘Well, I’m in a relationship now.’
After over 15 years in ministry to college and (now) graduate students, my wife and I often hear this when we ask how they’re doing. Our first response is to rejoice, remembering how thrilled we were on our first date. Very few things in life are more exciting than a relationship that’s heading toward marriage!
At the same time, relationships are anything but easy, so we need to learn from those who have gone before us. While my wife and I don’t have anything like a perfect marriage, we’ve had a little experience (since 1998) now. Many older couples have poured into us. And – somehow – a number of couples have told us our marriage and counsel about relationships have benefited them. So, over time, I’ll be covering many of the key areas we cover in our premarital and pre-engagement counseling.
Before we dive into those key areas, though, we need to pause and ask a more foundational question:
Is this relationship one that you should even be in?
Scripture Says?
Let me get right to the point. Although a word search in Scripture for ‘dating’ won’t give you any results, it has plenty to say about it.
For example, Paul tells widows that they can marry anyone they like, but ‘only in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 7:39). In that passage, he also gives advice to unmarried men and women, and it’s fair to assume he would apply that same standard to them.
In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul says, ‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers’. Although he’s not specifically speaking about marriage, it’s not hard to see that this is one possible application.
Dating Versus Marriage
You may be thinking, ‘OK, I get it. As a Christian, I shouldn’t marry someone outside of the faith, but I’m just dating. What’s the harm in that?’
Fair question.
Paul channels an image from his agricultural setting to answer it. At the time, farming tasks were often performed by animals, like oxen, who were joined by a ‘yoke’ that went around their necks. When animals are first put into the yoke, they (surprise) hate it and pull in different directions. Nothing gets done until they submit to the yoke and learn to work together.
Although dating isn’t marriage, it’s the first clear step toward it. And while God designed marriage to give us joy, on an even deeper level he created it to reflect his relationship with us (Ephesians 5:22-33). If you marry someone who doesn’t know the Lord, you will always be like two oxen pulling in opposite directions. Which will frustrate you both and torpedo the foundation of your marriage.
How It (Often) Happens
In my experience, most Christians already sense that dating a non-Christian is wrong. Or, at least have some hesitation and uncertainty.
So, why do so many Christians begin dating someone who doesn’t share their faith?
It varies, but many guys begin seeing a woman outside the faith because she’s physically attractive. Let’s be honest: our culture places a huge premium on physical appearance, and guys, being visually oriented, are especially susceptible to falling off the wagon here.
Beyond the physical attraction, maybe she’s open to flirting, and they have some chemistry based on personality. It may feel like ‘she has everything’ he wants, and Jesus can start to seem less important.
For many women, it’s a little different. This is somewhat anecdotal, but there don’t seem to be that many godly men around. (Which reflects a deeper crisis, but that’s another post.) So, many women who said they’d never date a non-believer start to give up hope. She meets a genuinely nice guy outside the faith who treats her well, has a good job, and has some confidence. She finds they share common interests, and before she knows it, they’re several months in.
As time goes on, the conscience becomes muted, and emotional and physical attachments form. And it gets harder and harder to find your way out.
Ripping The Band-Aid Off
I want to be sympathetic here. I see why men and women who are ultimately not compatible spiritually end up together. If you’re in a relationship with an unbeliever, please know I’m not judging you or looking down on you (or the person you’re dating).
At the same time, I believe in God’s word, and I care about you. In twenty-five years, I’ve never – not even once – seen it go well for either person. Each of you has deeply different commitments at the core of your lives, and eventually, that will cause insurmountable problems for you both.
So, I want to urge you to rip the band-aid off. Today. To end the relationship. I know that may seem like a wild, unnecessary overreaction. Or, maybe pretty scary.
But apart from being in a relationship with Jesus, who we date and ultimately marry, is one of the most important decisions you can make.
Will you pray about it and ask God for clarity and help?
When You’re Ready
If you’re ready to break off the relationship, here are some steps that should help.
1. Do it now.
I’m not saying you have to text your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance(e) before you finish this sentence. But reading this post is an opportunity for freedom, so commit – to yourself – to end the relationship and decide when you’re going to do it.
2. Get support.
Whenever we do something hard, we need help and support, so we follow through. So reach out to some believing friends. A mentor. Your pastor. Pour out your heart and your fear, and ask for prayer. Tell them when you plan to end the relationship and invite them to follow up with you.
3. Have a plan.
After you end the relationship, there’s going to be a huge vacuum in your life. Everything will be pulling you back in, away from the freedom you’ve just begun to taste. Surround yourself with people who will remind you that you made a good decision. Go out and have fun with friends. Make sure you go to a solid church each week, and find a way to have meaningful relationships outside of Sunday morning. Find ways to give and serve so that you’re focused there instead of on what you’ve lost.
4. Lean into the Lord.
I know this can sound like a cliche. But you have a Savior who understands. His closest friends ran away at the end of his life when he needed them most (Mark 14:50). His own Father ignored him while he hung on the cross (Mark 15:34). Yes, it was for us, but the closest relationship that ever existed was broken for three horrific days. Jesus knows what you’re facing and then some. And he invites you to ‘cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:7).
More could be said, but I’m going to stop there. Please know I’m praying for you to have courage and to experience Christ’s love for you in a very real, practical way.
Bonus: The Best Christian Dating App
Okay, so if you’re reading this post, it’s quite possible you’ve had a harder time finding other godly, Christian singles to date. So, instead of just saying ‘trust God and don’t date unbelievers,’ I want to offer an alternative, too.
While your church can often be a great place to start, I’ve recently come across a Christian dating app called SALT. After connecting with them personally, I’m happy to recommend them as one solid online option. They have a real passion to help committed Christian singles find one another and have helped many get married. While they have a premium version, you can definitely do everything you need to get started for free.
Keep God First
I can’t promise you that making the right decision will magically lead Mr. or Mrs. Right to appear out of nowhere. But if you trust God in this area of your life, you will be rewarded with freedom and a growing closeness to God that you haven’t experienced in quite some time.
And you’ll be on your way, again, to being the kind of person another godly person will want to marry.
Your turn: If you’re in a relationship with someone outside the faith, when will you end it? What will finding support, making a plan, and leaning into God look like specifically for you?
Also in this series:
- dating relationships where both people are Christians, but one is significantly more mature than the other
- what marriage is all about, and why it matters
Thank you for this reminder! Earlier this year I was interested in a guy and it wasn’t until the second date that I found out he wasn’t a Christian. I told him right away that I couldn’t continue seeing him. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and while I know it was the right decision I still struggle with it.
Hey Anna, thanks for reading and sharing your experience. I’m sorry it’s been so painful, but I’m glad you found out and had the strength to end it. Praying that God will help you find the right guy in time.
That’s being judgemental, too! I would TOTALLY date a non-christian woman. I have before, several times. They ended because I wasn’t ready to marry when they wanted. Had NOTHING to do with being unequally yoked.
I will end it now.the sooner the better.for cannot be yoked together with the unbeliever also its tougher and very hard to get genuine repentance from a non believer in this case as pretending can be the order of the day trying to eye- please the other
Hi Shupikai, I hope you and your partner have been clear with each other about where you stand in terms of your faith commitments, and based on your comment, it sounds like perhaps you have. Either way, when someone who is Christian dates someone who is not, significant compromises need to be made, which is unhealthy for both persons. So, I pray God gives you the grace to lovingly end the relationship.
Im the same shoes ❤️.
Sorry, but not dating someone just because they aren’t a christian is VERY judgemental and discriminatory. PAUL is the one that said not to be unequally yoked. . . God or Jesus did NOT say that, therefore, I don’t care what Paul says. As long as God or Jesus didn’t say that, then it’s perfectly fine!
Hi Jeremy, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It sounds like you don’t view what Paul said as scripture/having the same authority as what Jesus said.
However, in Acts 9:1-19, Jesus personally appeared to Paul and commissioned him to be his witness. In addition, the other apostles – including Jesus’s brother James – approved of Paul and his teaching (Galatians 2:1-10). Finally, the apostle Peter calls Paul his ‘beloved brother’ and says his writings are ‘scripture,’ saying they are filled with wisdom [from God].
We can also approach this from the angle of what Jesus taught. Since Jesus did not write any of the biblical books directly, we primarily have his words as mediated through the writers of the gospels. Is there a reason you would trust the gospel writers more than Paul or Peter? (Honestly asking.)
So, I’m suggesting that, while there are 66 books in the bible, they are all ultimately written by God through their human authors (see, e.g., 2 Peter 1:20-21), which means we should give equal weight to what Jesus and Paul say, including what Paul says regarding who we marry.
I’m not sure when to end my relationship with my ome year non-christian boyfriend I thought that me and him have common interests. But I’m not comfortable that he’s not a christian I don’t know what to do in this situation.
Im in the same shoes and an planning on ending things
The fact that he doesn’t want to become an christian I tried everything in everything that I’ve done to try to change his mind but nothing worked.
Hi Jessica, thanks for reading and sorry for my slower response. (I’ve been away.) I am glad you are wrestling with your relationship with your non-Christian boyfriend, and can see why it would be hard to end it, especially after being with him for a year.
His resistance to becoming a Christian certainly seems to indicate he is unlikely to change, but it also means you know where he stands. (Sometimes non-Christians will have mild spiritual interest and not make that clear in an effort to stay in the relationship, which creates problems down the road, especially after marriage.) In other words, he’s being honest with you.
The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will become to end. And, you will ultimately have to face the choice of whether you will marry someone God lovingly commands you not to (e.g., 1 Corinthians 7:39).
I know that ending the relationship is SO much easier said than done and I am truly sympathetic to your situation. That said, for your (and your boyfriend’s) benefit and God’s honor – Christian marriage is meant to portray God’s relationship with us through Christ (Ephesians 5:31-33) – I believe ending the relationship as soon as possible is best.
I’m currently dating a non Christian girl, but she seems to show interest in Jesus. She has been going to church with me and praying and says she wants to become a Christian not just for me but for herself, but she says it’s gonna take a while for her to learn to believe. But I also feel that she leads me away from Christ sometimes in her actions and words. I’ve been praying and I know it’s probably for the best to end it but it’s very difficult to know what to do.
Hi Reed, sorry for missing this somehow until now. It’s wonderful that your girlfriend wants to become a Christian for the right reasons; it sounds like God is using you to help her on her journey. Maturing in faith takes time, so it’s not surprising that sometimes her words and actions do not point you to Christ. Even if she were to become a Christian, that would likely be an unfolding journey. (And, of course, all of us still mirror Jesus so imperfectly!)
I think your instincts to end the relationship are good. It’s simply not possible to picture Jesus and his love for us, his church, with someone who is not a Christian. Even if she were to put her trust in Jesus today, it would likely take some time before you felt secure in her commitment. In addition, if you are substantially more mature spiritually, it might create a parent-child dynamic where she struggles to engage with you on an equal footing, which would not be good for either of you.
For these reasons, I suggest continuing the relationship simply as friends if that is possible. (It may be too hard for now.) If she were to go all-in with Jesus and grow quickly in her faith, perhaps it could work out down the road. Feel free to write back with any thoughts or questions; I will pray for God to give you wisdom to do what is best.
(If there are any) What are some pros and cons to dating a non-christian? I’m doing this debate for my Christian school and I’m trying to get a visual so I can better my points.
Hi Isaac, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate you researching this question for your school’s debate.
I’ll be honest: I don’t believe there are any true ‘pros’ to dating a non-Christian. I’ve outlined the ‘cons’ in my article, but they include starting something you shouldn’t pursue to the end (marriage), and the guilt and shame that go along with doing something you know, deep down, doesn’t honor God. In addition, there are various, more serious challenges after marriage, such as the possible outcomes – the Christian putting his/her faith on the back burner, or, the non-Christian feeling marginalized.
That said, since some Christians do date non-Christians, there are perceived benefits. I think many end up doing this because it simply allows them to be with someone they are attracted to in some way. It might be physical attraction, common interests, or a kind of chemistry, so to speak. Others feel that, while faith in Christ is one important factor in a relationship, it’s not the only (or most) important one. Still others look around and don’t see any godly men or women at their church or friend circles. That can be discouraging and removing the requirement of dating only believers allows them to widen their options. Finally, some Christians hope to see their boy/girlfriend come to faith and feel that a close relationship like dating is the best way to encourage that.
While I can understand how people get there, you can probably guess I do not see these as real pros for the reasons I share in my article. I’d be interested to hear what others at your school say as you hold the debate. Feel free to write back with any questions or thoughts you may have.
Im dating one, and it’s so hard, you can’t really really about the struggles with them and your relationship with God, I’m getting further from God in this relationship so I’m ending it. In my experienced opinion it’s not worth it
Scared but I may break up with my atheist bf tomorrow 😭, I know it’s for the best. Please pray for me
Hi Keira, thank you for reading and sharing this. I am going to pray for you (and your boyfriend) right now. I can totally see why it would be hard and scary, but I applaud your courage in doing what’s best.
Thank you, Bryan! Was looking for resources to share with a friend and was pleasantly surprised when the first article in my Google Search was written by you! Hope you are well.
Hey Michaela! So glad to hear from you and to be of help for your friend. I am well and hope you are too!
I’m not making judgement call on this article or people’s issues. But let’s be crucially honest here. 7 billion people on Earth, God created the universe and the earth, its people, nature and its creatures. God cannot be denied as his creation shows proof of his creativeness, precise reasoning and wisdom and complexities.
I’m a pending situation with a good friend who used to be a believer and now an atheist…and he had valid reasons which most case was were false teaching and wounds and other tough personal experiences. Now it bugs when someone mocks God but not enough to give a reaction unless I felt compelled and within reason, but my Belief and confidence in The Lord is unshakable and no one needs to understand that or feel convince from me or have me show proof or persuade them otherwise because because it’s a RELATIONSHIP with God with its own quirks and kinks that keeps going….I show in my daily actions which is not always pristine I admit. But I accept my good, bad and ugly and crazy not as an excuse but because God accepts me fully. With his incomparable grace and eternal relationship, I found myself attracting all sorts of people, now yes maybe it’s me being fabulous which I highly doubt lol but I also believe it’s God’s light. I can’t answer why certain believers are WORST than non-believers. I can’t tell why being a believer places a target on your back in a world where so called believers misused God’s word for oppression, genocide and skewed politics. And yes I am totally cleared that differences between people WILL bring challenges without a doubt. In my mind and heart Jesus is King, but just in case a situation comes along where I attract a guy who is atheist, my faith unwavering but so is my love, character authenticity and respect is too…. which is something that possibly a lot of atheist and no believers lacking their own lives or don’t see enough of. This is not trying to cuddle non-believers, but this is definitely showing that it is absolutely possible to be attracted to someone with these great qualities and happen to be a Christian, Does that finalize them as perfect no but they finalize them as Progressive because anybody can be Progressive. This article….I think it needs to be said don’t date anyone that tears you away from God where your life becomes harder and your beliefs become faint…. not just because they don’t believe in God, but if real mature people who happen to be non-believers don’t see the damage they’re causing to their fellow or their dates or spouses or friendships…. That weighs heavier than them not being a believer because bottom line …non believers are human just like me and anybody else with heavily complexities and traumatic past and issues but our jobs as believers is to demonstrate hope, good character, be firm and assertive in our faith because we need it alone and that non-believers see us and are reminded that they are NOT alone, not only do they have our friendship and connection but our reason behind it is “God loves us very much” and we in the treatment and trials of our life too. I’ve had my share of having very bad experiences with believers AND non believers but it was not for obvious reasons but because they were not mature, or they were a chaotic person by nature. I understand It is very hard to separate this because God is number one in my life, but I also have this extreme confidence that God is bigger than everything and is anything too hard for God if I stay firm, not according to my own strength, or my own timing or own decision but if God did not want to have something continue ….God can stop it and God will place me in a position too end the friendship or relationship, etc., but if God is not stopping that or somehow there’s not no spiritual refusal then I say take it one day at a time and continue wanting to include God everyday moment by moment just like his wisdom, his grace and love is available for each moment…. you just might inspire a non believer to become a believer or just being living proof of the Bible, of God’s goodness and grace and truth to the non-believer Who wants to believe it was not possible. Please forgive my grammar and mistakes on this paragraph, but I just feel compelled to say this
Hi Jenaé, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. There’s a lot here, but I appreciate your humility and heart to ‘inspire a non believer to become a believer.’ While I have tried to show, from God’s word, why I do not believe we should enter into a romantic relationship in an attempt to accomplish this good goal, I have certainly seen it happen in God’s kindness. May God bless you in the year ahead, Jenaé.
Hey there! I’ve always had this as a cornerstone of my christian beliefs. It really wasn’t up to debate. It is so obvious why an unequally yoked relationship could prove fatal for a christian. My dating life as a christian has been so unsuccessful this far that it becomes hard in not giving in. I am a young lad, just a year now in college. I used to date non-christians as a young teenager. Now as a christians I just haven’t encountered young women whom I find attractive. It is incredibly hurtful, naive and untrue to share this, but it’s what I’m feeling (although I know it is a devilish thought and I won’t follow it): That christian women tend to be less attractive, intelligent and are just naive. That’s what my expereinces are telling me this far. I’m sorry for having this thought, but some others might be expereincing the same thing, hence it is why I’m sharing this. It is so hard to stay patient, to go out to church and try to connect to others bc I’m not a church-guy. Maybe you’ll understand. Keep strong and thanks for the input.
Hi Benjamin, thanks for reading and your honest comment. I can imagine it’s hard to wait for a Christian woman when you have not met ones to whom you are attracted to yet. Patience, of course, is hard for everyone, including me.
Here are a few thoughts to pray through and consider:
1) I believe that it’s critical for you to find a church home. Not just for you, but for any Christian. The New Testament has dozens of ‘one another’ passages that show why it’s so important for us to be in relationships with other believers. If you find a solid church with many other young people, it also often proves to be a great place to meet godly women who are wise and thoughtful.
2) You might consider online dating. Many of the couples my wife and I work with met in this way. You do have to be careful and take some time to really get to know where someone is with their faith, but it can certainly work out.
3) I’m sorry that your experiences with Christian women have not been positive in general so far. I can promise you that God is easily able to help you find a godly woman, and, help you patiently trust him in the meantime (see 2 Chronicles 16:9; Galatians 5:22-24). Not that it’s easy, of course, but he is able.
I’m a Christian and am in love with a Muslim man. Why can’t we just love other’s without religion being a barrier and letting him go is killing me.
Hi Abigail, thanks for reading and leaving an honest comment. I know that it’s common for people to become attracted to someone from another religion and that it can be hard understand why religious differences should end a relationship. I can see why it’s really painful for you to think about ending the relationship.
At the end of the day, for Christians Jesus is central to our lives. As the Apostle Paul puts it, ‘to live is Christ’ (Philippians 1:21) – he’s everything. Someone of a different religion doesn’t share this conviction. This difference will eventually create a massive, practical challenge in a relationship at its very core for this reason.
In a relationship like this, over time either the Christian will let his/her faith become less important in the interests of peace, or, will maintain a strong faith in which the other person cannot participate. In either case, one person will feel marginalized and the relationship will feel somewhat empty and quite possibly end.
I don’t want that for you, Abigail, and God doesn’t either. I will pray for God’s leading for you and wish you his very best.