You know you're too busy. That it's not really sustainable. And, instead of pursuing intimacy in your marriage, your busyness is having the opposite effect.
You feel disconnected from each other. Maybe it's been awhile since you did something special for your spouse. Or, you don't have any energy to pour into date nights even when you have one.
But given the pace of your life, you're not really sure how you're even going to find quality time to step back and think about it. (See the irony?)
Furthermore, even if you did slow down to process your problem, you're not really sure how you would do it. And, come away with a workable plan that gives you more margin to connect.
And - to get really honest - you may have little hope that you'd follow through on whatever you decide anyway. When we've failed before, it's hard to hope things will be different this time around.
If that's where you are, it's totally understandable. I've felt - and often feel - the same way.
Overall, it's probably easier to just reach for the remote and another pint of ice cream.
But wait a second... while that would be easier short-term, in the long-run we want something better. To see God fulfill his purposes in our lives (Psalm 138:8
). We're just not sure how to get there.
That's what this post is about: getting from 'I have no time for this, no idea what to do, and it probably won't help anyway' to 'I can find a few minutes, I know what to do, and God will bless my efforts.'
I'll start by talking about four ways you can make time to slow down and process your busyness, then sketch out an approach that will help you figure out what to do about it. So your marriage can move from autopilot to actively growing again.
I'll even share some suggestions that will help you with follow through at the end.
4 Ways To Slow Down & Pursue Intimacy In Your Marriage
As a pastor, I know I'm very fortunate. In the first post on this topic (about the enormous costs of not slowing down), I mentioned that I'm writing this while I'm on sabbatical.
Chances are, of course, that you're not on sabbatical. Or, on an island named St. (Something). It may feel like there's no way you can slow down to ponder how to find more margin for your marriage.
And obviously, God - and your employer - have given you limits, and you need to respect them. But that doesn't mean you have no options. God will provide what you need to get the perspective you need.
Here are some ways you can hit pause, no matter how busy you are right now.
Option 1: Are you in a position to take a sabbatical?
I know, I just admitted how rare it is to (even be able to) take one. In fact, I scoffed at the idea when I first heard about it. Truth is, though, many people in ministry, academic medicine, and academia can take a sabbatical, but don't. But sabbatical leave is also an increasingly common benefit outside of these professions, and may be offered in 19-23% of companies according to Fast Company. I know it may be a long shot, but here are 77 companies that do. The point: don't just assume you can't take extended time away. Even if your company or ministry doesn't have a policy in place, they might be willing to start one. (That's what happened in my case.) Then, others can benefit, too.
Option 2: Dedicate some vacation time to stepping back
Maybe you can take an overnight somewhere, and devote a chunk of it to looking at, and praying through, your life. Even if you're married with younger kids, work as a team and make it happen. My wife and I have sent each other away for a night, which has worked well.
Option 3: Get out of the house for a few hours
If an overnight or spending precious vacation time feels out of reach, start with something smaller, like a few hours at a local coffee shop or your library.
Option 4: Even easier, micro-options
If even that feels like a stretch, use your lunch break, part of your kids' naptime, or, get up an hour early, once a week (or more) to step back until you have a workable plan.
You guys are smart, capable people, and I'm sure you can come up with even better options that will work for you.
Whatever you do, don't tell yourself 'there's nothing I can do.' Remember the enormous costs of not making time to think and pray over your relationship. (To adapt the line from dentists about teeth, 'Ignore your relationship, and it'll go away.')
The key is to believe God will give you what you need to pursue intimacy in your marriage: 'And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work' (2 Corinthians 9:8).
Decide when you'll step back, then get it on your calendar. Now. As in, before you get distracted by the next text or cat video.
Alright, let's zoom out for a moment and see where we are. So far, we've...
- explored the costs of staying busy and remaining unintentional in your marriage
- covered 4 options for how you can make the time to step back so you can examine the costs of busyness on your marriage
In this next section, I'll suggest a simple framework so you can figure out why you're so busy, and what you can do about it. While there are no silver bullets, this will give you clarity and a strong beginning you can keep building on.
6 Steps Toward Pursuing Intimacy In Your Marriage
Step 1: List The Big Stuff Taking Up Your Time
Before you can truly address a life that's become too full, you need to know what's taking up your time. Otherwise, you're just applying a band-aid. (And we all know how long those stay on.)
So, take some time and brainstorm. What are the commitments, relationships and other things taking up significant chunks of your time? (Think about a typical week.)
I don't mean small things like daily hygiene, or, getting ready for school or work, but bigger things like:
- your job
- your commute
- exercising or training for a race
- clubs, organizations and church commitments
- caring for an aging parent or other family member
- kids (not only basic care, as with younger kids, but things like activities you take them to or help with; also, helping them through a harder season)
- connecting with your boy/girlfriend, fiancé(e) or spouse
- hobbies or interests you're pursuing
- volunteering
- time spent online, with social media, or watching TV/Netflix/etc.
- school or a professional training program
- what else? (Sometimes, it's not obvious right away. You might even need to write down what you do each day for a week.)
Obviously, we could keep going. The point is to think about your life, and what's taking significant time.
Just brainstorm, and get it down on paper or your computer so you can refer to it in the next step.
Step 2: Divide Your List Into Things You Can Change & Things You Can't
Okay, so now you have a list of the major things occupying your time on a weekly basis.
Next, divide it up into two buckets: things you can't change, and things you can.
Things you can't change
For example, if you have an infant or young children, they're going to take a lot of time. Same thing with a spouse who's struggling through depression, getting ready for a move, being in a medical residency program, or going to doctor visits for a condition you have. Similar with going to church each week.
These are things God has called you to, and you can rest in that.
Things you could change
After you identify what can't change, list the things that could. Things like the amount of time you spend online, binge-watching TV, or studying. Or, hobbies or other interests you pursue.
Be careful to include things that may feel immovable, like your job and commute. You may very well be called to them, and they might be quite difficult to change, but it's important to put them on the table. The harder something is to change, the more likely it is to be a game-changer if it did. Imagine, for example, what a difference it would make if you you moved to reduce your daily commute from 2 hours down to 30 minutes.
Step 3: Prioritize & Prune Your 'Could Change' List
Alright, so you now know where you're spending your time, and the things that can - and can't - change in the season God has you in.
Now we're going to focus on things you could remove, or do less of, to make more time for pursuing intimacy in marriage. The good news is you probably don't need to make radical changes.
Every relationship is different, but most couples find that small amounts of quality time, where there's genuine interaction, is enough to keep the relationship growing and healthy. In other words, you probably only need to find a few more hours each week, not twenty.
Even if you do need much more time together, though, it's probably best to start small and succeed than reach for the moon and flop.
So, let's take a look at your list. Of the optional things you're doing, which ones could you remove, or, reduce?
Try to come up with at least five options.
Look them over. Which ones aren't important? Don't give you much energy? Are causing tension with your spouse?
Choose at least one, and make a commitment to remove or reduce it in a way that will make a meaningful difference for your relationship.
In my case, for example, I can spend less time reading sites about the (world champion, thank you) Philadelphia Eagles. I've setup something on my phone so I only read articles for 15 minutes a day. I also cut back the amount of time I was spending on social media for my blog. I'm guessing that's given me back about 45 minutes every day, and I see the difference. I have more time and energy to connect with my wife, and the other people and priorities God has given me.
Finally, decide when you'll make the change. Obviously, you may need some time, depending on what you've decided. If you're on a non-profit board, maybe you need a month or two to transition out. That's fine, but in the meantime perhaps you also commit to watching 30 minutes less of TV each night.
If it almost sounds too simple, I get it. But usually, we don't need new, amazing flashes of insight. Most often, we just need a bit more insight and the grace to follow through on what God shows us.
The first three steps above are designed to provide the insight you need, while the next three will help you apply them in the trenches of daily life.
Step 4: Talk To Your Spouse
This is a great time to check in with your significant other. Let them know you want to connect more deeply. That you're so thankful God has put you together. That you're sorry for any ways your busyness has come between you, and affected your intimacy.
And, that you'd like things to get better.
My wife and I had that conversation at the start of our sabbatical. We realized we've been on the hamster wheel for way too long, and need to slow down. I had to admit my tendency to find my identity in getting stuff done was hurting our relationship. I'm still working on it, but with God's help we're revitalizing our marriage, and it's getting even better.
In addition to putting your heart to connect on the table, and owning your part in the problem, it's worth asking your significant other what they think. Things like...
- What do you think about where we are?
- Do you feel connected to me?
- How could I be doing better? You?
- What ideas do you have?
Then, just listen. Since it's a relationship, it's critical that you're both invested. Whatever problems you're experiencing are your (plural) problems, even if individual problems may need to be addressed more by one person than the other.
The bride put it beautifully in the Song of Solomon:
'Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.' (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Step 5: Take A Step Toward Building Intimacy
Now that you've created some extra space to connect by pruning (eliminating or scaling back) something, you're ready to take a step toward building intimacy in your marriage.
This is important: merely taking something away doesn't create the intimacy you're after. It's kind of like cutting an expense from your budget. The ultimate goal isn't to have another $100 sitting around in your bank account, right? The real point is to put an extra $100 toward savings, or something else.
With the help of a coach, my wife and I have decided to spend some time together every Friday morning while our kids are in school. Because it's on our calendar, it actually happens, and we look forward to it throughout the week.
So, now that you've created some extra time, how will you specifically use that to pursue intimacy in your relationship?
Step 6: Follow Through
Okay, you've made a great start. You know what change(s) you're going to make, and you've enlisted your partner in the process.
The next major hurdle is following through on your good intentions. This is where so many things break down... at least for me. But we've already done the hard work of reflecting, and coming up with a plan. And Jesus promises to bless us when we follow through:
'Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.' (John 13:17, NLT)
While he was specifically talking about serving others, surely the principle applies to nearly anything Jesus wants us to do. He wants us to take what he's shown us, and live it out.
The good news is that we're not in it alone. God's Spirit lives in us, and is praying for us in our weakness:
'Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.' (Romans 8:26)
Here are some other ideas to help you follow through, and create intimacy in your marriage:
- Tell a friend about the changes you'd like to make. Be specific, ask them to pray for you, and reach out to check in with you from time to time. A friend of mine asked me to do that for him recently, and tells me it's been helpful.
- Set a reminder. Sometimes we just forget what we've committed to in the midst of everyday life. Often, taking 30 seconds to set a reminder on our phone or calendar is the difference between desire and done. It's a small, intentional act of loving others like we love ourselves. (Matthew 22:39)
- Use technology as your friend. While technology can make it harder to connect with our spouse, it can help if we use it wisely. There are many programs, often free, that can help you avoid distractions and stay focused. Other apps, like Streaks, can help you establish good habits or break bad ones.
- Give your spouse permission to call you out. If you don't follow through on your commitment, invite them to nudge you. 'Hey, I really want to be more present when we're together. If you see me constantly on my phone, I hope you'll say something.'
The Big Picture
We've covered a lot in this short series, so let's add a quick recap here.
In the first post, I shared five huge costs we pay when we allow busyness to become the norm in our marriage.
You can see, and quickly jump to, the other parts of this post by using the menu below. Hopefully, that gives a quick outline that will help you apply the post to your own relationship.
In a fallen world, busyness always threatens to direct our marriages toward apathy, and away from mirroring the relationship Christ has with us, his church. But by pulling back, we can find out what's getting in the way of intimacy and rely on God for fresh grace to move forward. No matter how far you have to go, or how stuck you feel, God's 'mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.' (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Your Turn
Okay, here's the key step. Follow the six steps above, and let us know in the comments below what one step you're going to take to reduce busyness, and create more intimacy in your marriage. You can also find more resources for investing in your marriage here.