How Anger Can Save Your Marriage

Shoot. Once again, I arrived home late from work. Despite promising - many times - to change.

This time, my wife kindly - but clearly - let me know it was starting to annoy her, and called me out.

Even though I was wrong, I became defensive. I pulled myself together, but I was angry. Unreasonably angry.

Tired after a long day at work, all I wanted was some peace and quiet. Instead, I added unrighteous anger to my original infraction, moving me - and my wife - further away from the rest I really wanted.

Everything in me just wanted to move on, but my anger, like an elephant in the room, kept getting in the way.  

I bet you can identify.

You want your relationship with your spouse (or your boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiance(e)) to be a haven of safety and rest, but your anger keeps getting in the way.

Anger at your spouse. Anger at yourself. And you wish you could just wave your magic wand and make it all disappear.

And - let's be honest - in a fallen world, there's plenty to be angry about. Inside, and outside, of us.

But what if seventies-like peace, love and happiness isn't God's highest goal for us?

What if 'keep calm and [whatever]' might, in reality, be settling for a dollar menu burger when we could have a $100 filet?

Recognizing and dealing with our anger in our most intimate relationships can be an amazing gift God uses to save them from blowing up.

Anger: An Obvious Clue To Hidden Disaster

One day I came downstairs and noticed a disgusting smell coming from the direction of our kitchen. Something like - but not quite like - rotten eggs.

While it was tempting to just burn a really strong candle and call it a day, the grown-up in me knew it was time to investigate.

Turns out one of my kids had left a knob on our gas stove in the 'lite' position, effectively turn our entire first floor into a ticking time bomb.

That awful smell, added to the gas by its manufacturers, probably saved our lives. Sure, it was inconvenient, but it wasn't the real problem. Instead, it was an important clue to a far bigger problem.

Anger, especially strong or recurring anger, is a lot like that nasty smell in my kitchen that day. It's unpleasant and we want to mask it. But it's not the real issue. 

Instead, anger is a powerful clue that can lead us to deeper, often hidden, problems God wants to bring to our attention and redeem. 

Let's take a look at a moment in the prophet Jonah's life to learn how.

Jonah, The Angry Prophet

When we find Jonah in chapter 4, the people of Nineveh have, against all odds, just repented and been forgiven by the Lord.

And Jonah didn't like it one bit.

In fact, 'it displeased Jonah, and he became exceedingly angry' (4:1). Although he enjoyed receiving God's mercy while he was sloshing around in the belly of the fish, the thought of the wicked Ninevites receiving that same mercy tore him to pieces (4:2-3).

But Jonah did not see his hypocrisy as a problem... yet.

Then God asked Jonah a question he asks us, however quietly, when we get angry:

'Do you do well to be angry?'

In other words, are we getting angry for the right reasons? 

In close relationships like that of a boyfriend and girlfriend, or among spouses, seeing our anger is an invitation to do business with God at the deepest level of our hearts, where lasting transformation can take place.

Anger is the nasty smell in the room that alerts us to the real, underlying problem.

When my wife challenged my chronic tardiness, and I grew irritable, eventually I asked myself why I was so angry.

The answers were not pretty. My anger revealed I often...

• find too much value in my work and what I produce, which tempts me to overwork.
• believe that faking peace is preferable to conflict that produces the good fruit of change.
• am not ready to show the kind of sacrificial love for my wife that Christ shows for me as part of his church (Ephesians 5:25).

Ouch. 

In truth, this post isn't long enough for all the junk this one little incident churned up. (I think I'd rather go eat some ice cream than finish this post now...)

Yet, even as God ripped the band-aid off, his rescue had begun. Seeing my sin gave me the chance to talk to God honestly, and cry out for the help I so desperately need.

While my anger wasn't good, God was using it for good in my life.

That's what he wants for you, too.

Let's do a quick tear-down that will move this from the realm of theory to something you can use as you wrestle with your own anger.

5 Steps Toward Redeeming Anger

When we recognize intense, or ongoing, anger toward our husband or wife, here's a simple starting point for redeeming it.

We'll use Jonah's story as our example again.

1. Acknowledge your anger before God. While we may 'know' we're angry, when we specifically acknowledge it before God, it begins an engagement with him that can be redemptive. (Many of the psalms begin by getting honest with God.) Don't worry about cleaning yourself up first; just come as you are. Jonah eventually admitted his anger to God even though he was still a hot mess (4:9).
2. Examine whether your anger is righteous. It's possible to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26), but it's rare. While Jonah wasn't ready to truly examine his anger (4:5, 9), God invites us to examine ours and see what's driving it. (Hint: it's usually idolatry.) If we're not sure, we can ask others we trust for input.
3. Seek God's forgiveness. When our idols are unmasked, we can bring them before the Lord, who 'is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9). While it required becoming fish food, earlier Jonah had clearly seen his idolatry and cried out for - and received - God's mercy (2:1-10).
4. Seek others' forgiveness. While our sin is ultimately against God (Psalm 51:4), obviously we must also seek the forgiveness of those we've offended, too. This can be so humbling, but don't let your offense 'just blow over'.
5. With God's help, turn from your sin. While we're not sure what happened to Jonah's anger as the book closes, earlier he did go back to Nineveh and offer God's mercy to its inhabitants (3:3-4). When we not only seek forgiveness, but become and do what's right, our anger becomes fully redemptive. For me, that meant asking God for help to find my identity in Christ (not work), seeking real (not fake) peace, and a heart that loves (not resists) making sacrifices for my wife. And, coming home when I promised to. 

That might feel a little overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be. In most cases, it can take just a few minutes. And, like anything, it gets much easier with practice.

Thank You, God, For The Gift Of Anger

Anger is present in every authentic relationship. Especially in our closest ones. 

While it's so much easier to just keep the peace and ignore it, it never works. That would be like letting natural gas just pour into your house. In time, you know what's going to happen.

In a fallen world, anger is one of God's precious gifts. It's a merciful sign that there are dynamics in us (and yes, others) that he wants to bring into the light where they can be healed and redeemed.

In closing, let's make this practical.

1. Where do you find yourself most angry with your boy/girlfriend, fiance(e) or spouse? Not everything; just the top few things.
2. Go through the process above.
3. Watch God work and celebrate!