6 Reasons Godly Men Lack Ambition (And Won’t Get A Date)

In an earlier post, we took a look at the second most common reason Christian women won’t date a godly man. Over half of the women I surveyed said that a guy who doesn’t take care of himself physically is unattractive.  You can learn more about why that matters to them (and God) in the this post.

This time, we’re going to take a look at something nearly 80% of women find distasteful in a potential date.  In fact, nothing else even came close.

Any guesses?

It’s a lack of ambition.

Ambition Defined

In a Facebook thread where I shared the survey, someone asked me to clarify what I meant by ‘lack of ambition’.

My quick response: it’s ‘an overall lack of direction and passion that is characterized by drifting.’ Guys who lack ambition are just going wherever the current of life – and others – want to take them.

In his book Rescuing Ambition, Dave Harvey defines ambition as ‘the God-implanted drive to improve, produce, develop, and create.’  From conception to improvement to execution, ambition is the stuff that allows us to make a difference for God, and others, in our world.

Ambition Matters

Tony Reinke, quoting DTS Professor William Lawrence, tells us why ambition is so important.

Ambition is essential in a leader for it provides the drive and the desire necessary to carry the burdens and responsibilities of leadership; ambition is the fuel of leadership.

If you want to be a leader in a broken, distraction-filled world, you need ambition.  Ambition helps us overcome obstacles and take steps forward in the good works God has set before us (Ephesians 2:10).

Men, God calls us to be leaders.  Especially…

• in our homes, where men are called to sacrificially lead and love their wives. (Ephesians 5:21-25)
• in our churches, where men are called to serve as elders. (1 Timothy 3:1-7)

I know that not everyone reading this may hold this view of male leadership, and it’s not the point of this post to convince you.

But many godly women expect their future (or current) husbands to provide spiritual leadership.  If you want to date, and marry, a woman like this, you’re going to need some ambition.

Godly Women Want Men To Have Ambition

As I mentioned earlier, my survey revealed that many Christian women find guys without ambition highly unappealing.  Here are some specific comments women shared.

• ‘I find passivity very unattractive.’
• ‘It is very important that a guy has a sense of calling and overall direction in life/purpose.’
• ‘Under a biblical model, the wife should follow the leadership of her husband. I believe Christian women who want to obey this idea would find it disconcerting to follow a man who does not have ambition or a clear desire of what he would like to do.’
• ‘If the guy is not into his work he either has not identified his passions… [is] unaware of… what his purpose is or he is just lazy. Lazy is not at all appealing.’

There were many other, similar comments.  But these highlight themes that fall under the umbrella of ‘ambition’.

Godly women want their guy to be proactive, have a sense of calling and direction, be hard-working and passionate about their career, and provide spiritual leadership.  They don’t want us to be passive, aimless and lazy.

In other words, they want us to be who God is calling us to be. If we refuse exercise spiritual leadership, it puts our wives in an uncomfortable, difficult position with awkward choices.

This Is Scary Stuff

When I got married, I was really scared about being a leader in our home.

I didn’t advertise that to others.  Or, even to myself.  But I was deeply afraid of going first.  Of making decisions.  Of making mistakes.  And intimidated by my wife, who is a really gifted leader herself.  She also had been in other relationships, whereas she was my first.  On top of all that, I knew (and know) how selfish I am.

Even though I ‘knew’ God was calling me to lead and live with passion, actually doing it scared me to death.

And in a way, leadership should intimidate us.  It’s no small thing to represent Jesus to our wives.  Or to shepherd God’s church.  Which of us is up to this noble calling?

6 Reasons We Lack Ambition

When a physician sees a patient, her first step is to figure out what’s wrong.  That’s what we’re going to do in the rest of this article.  Then, next time, we’ll talk about a ‘treatment plan’ that will help us become the godly, ambitious leaders God is calling us to be.

1. This is who we are (for now).

Guys, our struggles with leadership are prehistoric.  When our first parents fell into sin, passivity played a major role.  As the serpent whispered delicious lies into Eve’s ear, her husband Adam ‘was with her’ but did nothing (Genesis 3:6).  Later, God mentions Adam’s inaction as part of the problem: ‘Because you listened to the voice of your wife…’ (Genesis 3:17).  This passivity is now something us men need to fight against, until Jesus returns.

2. We’re afraid of failure.

I remember trying to put together our first gas grill.  And discovering that I had no mechanical skills.  I felt totally humiliated when my wife stepped in and got it done.  Although that wasn’t a character issue, everything in me wanted to run and hide.  As men, we’re afraid of others seeing us fail.

3. We’re afraid no one will follow us.

Someone has said that ‘if you think you are leading, and no one is following, then you are only taking a walk’.  Have you ever tried to lead, only to hear crickets?  Or, worse, to have your idea shot down?  When we lead and no one follows, we feel foolish and that makes it harder to try again.

4. We don’t have (enough) examples of strong, godly men.

Strong, godly men are in short supply these days.  I hear young, Christian women lamenting that it’s hard to meet godly men who are living with direction and purpose.  Part of the problem is those of us who are older are not intentionally investing in younger guys, like Paul did with Timothy (see 2 Timothy 2:2).

5. Our culture mocks men.

In commercials, sitcoms and movies, men are routinely portrayed as indecisive, incompetent, and lazy.  Women – and even children – step in to save the day.

Part of this narrative is our own fault: not so long ago, it was much more acceptable for men to mistreat women, and women have rightly rebelled against that.  (Just to be clear, I’m not saying men don’t abuse women now.)  And while television partly reflects where many men are, it’s also creating the reality it portrays.  That has to stop.

6. We’re not really rooted in the gospel.

Now we’ve reached the bottom of the rabbit hole.  While everything above is true, God still holds us responsible to be the leaders he’s called us to be.  To be ambitious in the best sense, responding ‘to the God-implanted drive to improve, produce, develop, and create’.  God has put that in us, and we know it.

Godly women do, too, and they’re waiting for us to step up and live like it.

The more we believe that God ‘saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy’ in Christ (Titus 3:5), the less we’ll worry about failing.  And about others’ opinions when we fail.

These are the kinds of things that kill ambition… and our chances of finding a godly woman.

What I’m really excited about, though, is what we can do to recapture the godly ambition that will give God glory, help others, and bring us joy.  As those things fall into place, God may also grant us the blessing of finding, and marrying, a godly woman.

For reflection:

1. Where do you specifically struggle with a lack of ambition (passivity, purpose, decision-making, etc.) in your life?
2. Don’t let Satan accuse you!  Take that to God, asking for forgiveness and encouragement to move forward.