7 Ways The Meaning of Marriage Will Transform Your Marriage

In the next minute or so, think of five great marriages you’d like to emulate.  To pattern your own marriage after.

I’m not sure about you, but I had a hard time completing this exercise.  I just don’t know that many marriages where it seems like the husband and wife love Christ – and each other – deeply.

Today, marriages in the church end far too often as couples face intractable marriage issues. Countless others are icy or stale after failing to overcome serious differences.  Sadly, my wife and I have seen many examples of both.

To our amazement, God has given my wife and I a great (note: not perfect!) marriage, but it wasn’t always like that. During our second and third years, we experienced especially hard times – and usually of our creation!

Looking back, we had lost sight of something critical, something that – as you begin to grasp it – will transform your own marriage and make it a thing of beauty.

The Purpose of Marriage

In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul reveals the most important part of a successful marriage:

‘’Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.’

Paul is quoting Gen 2.24” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Genesis 2:24 and talking about marriage, where two people become one. The surprising thing, though, is that he says marriage is like a sign, pointing beyond itself to Christ and the church.

This is the key to having a great marriage. Our marriages were never supposed to be all about us. They’re supposed to direct our attention to the relationship between Jesus and us, his church.

In other words, as author Timothy Keller puts it, marriage and the gospel explain each other. The kind of intimacy (Eph 5.31” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Ephesians 5:31), sacrifice (25) and selflessness (28) that Jesus displays toward his church should be living and active in our marriages.

The Meaning Of Marriage Made Practical

If we started to understand that marriage is to be a reflection of the gospel and the love of God in Christ, how would our marriages be different?  Here are seven practical ways the meaning of marriage gives us a vision of what marriage could truly be.

1. We would do anything we can to avoid adultery, cheating, and divorce.

There are times when it’s permissible, biblical, and wise, such as in the case of adultery and cheating.  but Jesus would never leave his church (people), so we should stay if at all possible.  This will require a lot of work and some serious, holy fighting for your marriage.

2. We would aim for holiness more than happiness.

Our marriages may make us happy much of the time, but Paul says that ‘husbands [should] love [their] wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her’ (25-26).  This will require calling each other out in love, something husbands in particular seem to struggle with.

3. We would joyfully make sacrifices.

Instead of putting ourselves first, we would put our spouse first, just as Christ ‘gave himself up’ (25) for us.  Usually, this kind of sacrificial love starts with truly noticing our spouse and then following through with small but meaningful sacrificial acts.  Like the day my wife picked up my favorite hot sauce from the grocery store.

4. We would forgive each other quickly and fully.

We get angry and hold onto offenses (real or imagined), but Jesus has forgiven us for way more than we will ever be called to in our marriages.  If Jesus can forgive us for countless acts of rebellion, we can forgive our spouse for that snippy comment in a moment of stress.  We can also invest time in learning how to resolve conflict well.

5. We would treat each other with deep respect.

Paul calls wives to respect their husbands (33), but certainly, this goes the other way around, too. Practically, this includes speaking well of our spouses, especially in public. It also involves taking each other’s ideas seriously rather than dismissing them quickly in favor of our own.

6. We would avoid manipulation.

Have you ever worked behind the scenes to get your way with your spouse? I certainly have! In a fallen world, we are tempted to obtain good things in bad ways. Husbands may manipulate their wives to have sex. Wives might pressure their husbands to step up and lead spiritually or come to Christ.

But that’s not how Jesus rolls: he does everything above board, giving it to us straight, but with our best interests in mind. That’s what he wants for us, too. Husbands can tell their wives they’d like to be physically intimate, yet without pressure. Wives can conduct themselves like Christ, and pray earnestly for their husbands, as they desire them to come to Christ.

7. We would accept that marriage isn’t always butterflies and rainbows.

When we start dating, and often during the early days of marriage, everything is shiny, magical and new. And it’s supposed to be. But when the excitement dies down, we often panic and wonder if something’s wrong. Usually, it isn’t. It’s just the normal trajectory of a marriage that’s deepening, and we shouldn’t feel pressure to recreate those early days.

So, there you have it. If you want to have a great marriage (and find the right person in the first place), you must understand what it’s all about: reflecting Christ’s relationship with us. It does make a world of difference every day.

8. We would be more careful in choosing a marriage partner.

In so many areas of life, it’s essential to begin with the end in mind because it informs our choices from the very beginning. Marriage is no different. If we want a healthy marriage characterized by deep oneness and (relatively) free from major problems, it’s critical to keep the profound portrait of marriage Paul paints in Ephesians 5 before us – way before we choose a soul mate and say, ‘I do,’ on our wedding day.

So, when choosing a potential partner, we should ask, ‘Is this the kind of person I can portray the gospel with?’ We all have character flaws that will get in the way, but overall, we must ask if the person we’re dating or engaged can help us display the kind of love God has shown us in Jesus Christ.

This has very practical implications. For one, keeping a biblical view of marriage before us means we’ll emphasize a potential partner’s relationship with God above all else. We will also de-emphasize someone’s physical appearance, choice of career, and other such things. These may factor into the overall picture, but they will be closer to the periphery than the center.

Question: How would grasping the meaning of marriage change the way you relate to your spouse?

If you’re unmarried, how would the meaning of marriage change what you’re looking for in a potential mate?  You may also be interested in our free Ready For Marriage course.

Bonus: Essential Reading – The Best Marriage Book

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, the best book is The Meaning of Marriage: Facing The Complexities Of Commitment With The Wisdom Of God, written by Tim Keller, former pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. (Kathy Keller, his wife, also wrote a chapter and significantly shaped the book.) The book was a New York Times bestseller and does a great job of challenging the ways modern culture is at odds with God’s design for a married couple. More importantly, it paints a positive picture of what Christian marriage should be from the pages of scripture. It also comes with a study guide. This book is perfect for any couple that is seriously dating, engaged, or married.