25 Serious Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Marriage Material

As he described the pain and frustration in his marriage, it tore me apart.  Although his wife identified with Christ, her lack of spiritual interest had only grown worse over the years, leaving him lonely and unfulfilled.  At this point, all he could do was pray.

In my first post in this series, I wrote about whether Christians should date people outside of the faith. That certainly happens, but most Christians find themselves in a much murkier situation: wondering whether the Christian they’re dating (or thinking about dating) is marriage material.

As this short story from my friend shows, making this decision correctly is absolutely critical.  Here are seven warning signs – red flags – that your relationship may not be marriage material. While these may seem like small things in and of themselves, they become big things as they start to add up. (On a side note, discovering the opposite of these serious problems is a good sign, indicating you may have the beginnings of a long-term relationship and happy marriage!)

25 Serious Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Marriage Material

#1 Big differences in levels of spiritual maturity or passion for the Lord  

There are many different possible reasons for this.  In some cases, one person has simply been a Christian much longer.  In other cases, issues of obedience or willingness to spend dedicated time with the Lord may be involved. In still other instances, the degree of someone’s involvement in Christian community is also a significant factor in their maturity.

While we all bring major deficits to the table, when you look at your lives as a whole, there should be a pretty good spiritual equivalence between you.  If there is a huge difference in spiritual maturity, your ability to showcase the gospel will be greatly compromised. After all, that’s what marriage is all about.  (You won’t be truly fulfilled, either.)

With this being said, I’d like to mention an important caveat. Although it’s wise to be in a relationship with someone with similar spiritual maturity as you, someone’s overall spiritual trajectory is an important factor in long term relationships, too. 

For example, Jeff met Virginia when he was in his early thirties and was already an elder in his church. Although obviously not perfect, he was already spiritually mature. Meanwhile, Virginia was in her mid-twenties and far less mature than Jeff. However, she only came to faith a few years ago and was on fire for the Lord. Jeff had seen her commitment to Christ and knew she would make a good wife so they moved forward. Today, they have a great marriage and are full peers in every way.

#2 A refusal to submit to Christ in some area of life

This may be pretty clear from the start, or it may only become obvious as you get to know someone well.  For example, on Amanda’s first date with Steve, his condescending attitude toward others was hard to miss, and it was easy to tell he was not someone with whom she could one day develop marital intimacy.  It was easy for her to move on. 

But other situations are less clear at first. Caleb respected the way Bella was so passionate about advocating for the homeless, which drove her to do her very best during her time in law school. After graduating at the top of her class, they got engaged and started dreaming about their future together. However, it gradually dawned on Caleb that Bella was so laser-focused on her career that there wasn’t much time left for him.  It’s not that her career was bad, but her unwillingness to truly consider making adjustments was an indication of a deeper spiritual problem. 

It’s not rocket science, but obedience to God is a significant theme in the bible. It’s not about rule-keeping or being a ‘good Christian.’ Instead, when we obey God, we prove that we trust and love him. In John 14:15, for example, Jesus says, ‘If you love me, you will obey my commands.’ In Romans 14:23, we read that ‘Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin’, which suggests (negatively) that obedience is fueled by faith. 

While each of us will wrestle with obedience in many ways and often fail, it’s essential to see a heart that wants to obey someone we might consider marrying. So, regardless of the particular issue, refusing to obey Christ is a clear sign that moving forward is a poor choice. 

#3 Excusing a major character weakness in the other person for some ‘benefit’

For example, men who are visually oriented are prone to excusing sin patterns like a lack of respect from their girlfriends because she’s physically attractive. (On the other hand, some men dismiss physical attraction altogether or aren’t sure how to weigh the relative roles of physical appearance and godly character.) Women, on the other hand, might overlook clear problems if a guy treats them well and doesn’t challenge them – even if he’s much less mature spiritually.  In either case, one person is excusing sin and neglecting something God says is important.  This leads to increasing blindness and an inability to help each other reflect the holiness that will honor God and set us free (see John 8.32” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>John 8:32).

#4 Unwillingness to deal with a past relationship

It’s not uncommon for someone to enter a new relationship without working through what happened in a previous one. Anderson had been deeply hurt by Hilina, who had been controlling. She herself had been wounded by previous boyfriends who were unfaithful and wanted to know where Anderson was at all times, insisting he share his location with her. Eventually, he broke things off with Hilina, then began to date Carly a few months later. However, when Carly asked him reasonable questions, he bristled at her, claiming, ‘You’re so controlling, just like my former girlfriend!’ 

Carly could tell she had hit a raw nerve, but really liked Anderson and asked if they could go to counseling together to work things through. Sadly, he refused, and Carly decided to part ways. 

Following Jesus means we need to deal with significant issues that come up along the way. In fact, Jesus will lovingly insist on it. After Peter denied Jesus three times, for example, later on Jesus asked Peter to reaffirm his love for him three times, once for each denial (John 21:15-19). 

#5 Unexplored theological beliefs and convictions  

I’m not suggesting that you pin down your views on the millennium on your first date.  (It’s probably okay to let that one go forever, actually.)  But Christians can vary with respect to their theology in ways that make marriage difficult.  For example, if one of you places a huge emphasis on God’s sovereignty in all of life while the other stresses our responsibility and choice, that can lead to real conflict down the line, especially when life gets tough.  Similar if one of you is very particular about theology and doctrine while the other is rather laissez-faire.

#6 Avoiding touchy topics out of fear they could come between you 

It might be politics, ethical issues like abortion, issues of Christian freedom like alcohol consumption, who will find a new job so you can live in the same city, or [fill-in-the-blank].  When we were dating, discussing how we would cultivate spiritual intimacy was really hard for us.  For a number of complex reasons, it was a touchy topic that we steered away from for a long time, but should have pursued more.  It’s not that we have to see eye-to-eye on everything, but it is important that everything be ‘on the table’ for discussion.  If you sense an area is sensitive, handle it with care, but make sure you handle it.  

#7 You don’t feel comfortable letting others know you’re dating 

If one (or both) of you isn’t proud about telling the world you’re dating the other person, the sad reality is that something is wrong.  If you find yourself hiding or downplaying the relationship, it’s important to figure out why. Paul says that ‘whatever does not proceed from faith is sin‘ (Rom 14.23” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Romans 14:23), so a lack of faith that your relationship is honoring to God is worthy of closer inspection.

#8 Having ‘no real opinions’ or just doing whatever the other person wants

On the surface, this can seem honorable and Christ-like.  It’s good to be flexible, but it needs to go both ways. For example, a guy might decide to move near his fiancee as she pursues grad school.  That can be a great way to ‘in humility count others more significant than yourselves’ (Phil 2.3” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Philippians 2:3) and put her first. But if he’s always deferring to her and she’s effectively directing all their major decisions, it’s a sign that something’s off.  In healthy relationships, both persons are trying to ‘outdo one another in showing honor’ and love (Rom 12.10” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Romans 12:10).

#9 Pervasive criticism

When Rosaria asked her friend Jill to meet her boyfriend Tate, she was excited to join them for coffee. Her enthusiasm, however, quickly soured when she noticed how critical Tate was toward Rosaria, who didn’t seem to really notice. 

Jesus warns us about how we evaluate others: ‘Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?… You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.look at plank in own eye’ (Matthew 7:1-3, 5). 

In other words, Jesus cautions us to take a long, hard look at our own lives before we criticize someone else. If you move toward marriage with someone who’s focused on your flaws on a regular basis, it will be nearly impossible to productively tackle the issues of marriage that are sure to arise, and you will find it difficult to keep God’s grace before you.

#10 One – or both – of you are very young

Did you know that there’s a correlation between the age at which people marry and their likelihood of divorce? According to Forbes, ‘couples who marry at 25 are 50% less likely to divorce compared with couples who marry at 20.’ Obviously, this is a generalization and couples who marry at a young age may do just fine. However, for most people, there are huge gains in spiritual – and other forms of – maturity as they move toward their mid-twenties, and these can make a massive impact on their readiness for marriage.

#11 Signs of the potential for abusive behavior

During a premarital counseling session with Carin and Max, Carin became emotional as she shared about the difficult relationship she had with her father. While she had never thought much about it, somehow getting married was bringing it all to the foreground, and she knew it could affect her relationship with Max. 

As Carin began crying, we expected Max to hand her a tissue, hold her, or offer some display of sympathy. Instead, he scowled and slumped back on the couch, silently – yet clearly – expressing his disdain at her perceived weakness. When we tried probing Max to see what was going on, it was obvious he did not want to engage with us – or, Carin. We don’t know what their marriage is like today, but we worry that the contempt Max displayed for Carin that day suggested his potential for abusive behavior later on. 

While this is a massive topic we can’t begin to cover here, counselor Darby Strickland identifies two qualities that define abusers: a sense of entitlement and a lack of remorse for others. Entitlement means the abuser unreasonably demands that their world be a certain way and will punish others who are unwilling to meet their demands. Abusers typically are highly self-deceived and either unable – or unwilling – to see that these demands are sinful. In addition, they do not see, or truly care about, the impact their actions have on others. At its most fundamental level, an abuser is someone who demands to be worshiped and usurps God’s rightful place as Lord. 

If you sense that the person you’re in a relationship with someone who exhibits these traits at times, don’t ignore it and hope it will improve. It almost certainly won’t.

#12 Serious issues in relation to work

God created us to work. From the very beginning, God put Adam in the garden of Eden, telling him to ‘work it and keep it’ (Genesis 2:15). After the fall, however, work became frustrating, filled with ‘thorns and thistles’ and requiring far more effort than it had before (Genesis 3:18-19). 

There are very different, yet equally unhelpful, ways to respond to the nature of work in a fallen world. Some people seek to escape the difficulties of work by avoiding it as much as possible. They may hold down part-time jobs that don’t challenge them or move from job to job, typically blaming their boss or co-workers when it doesn’t work out. They might even become eternal students to put off the inevitability of real work.

Others take the opposite approach of making work everything. If necessary, they are willing to sacrifice other important responsibilities and relationships God is calling them to in order to earn a promotion, more money, or, even their employer’s approval. 

Because work is so central to who we are, distortions in this area will have a big impact on a committed relationship. As with most of the other areas on this list, it’s not about getting it perfect, but rather about a willingness to receive honest feedback from our significant other – and, most importantly – the Lord.

I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list.  What other significant hurdles would you include?

#13 Unwillingness to deal with pornography, lust or sexual addiction

Many of us live in a sex-saturated culture. If you have a computer, smartphone, TV or live anywhere but a monastery, avoiding unhelpful images and sexual temptation is simply unavoidable. While it’s unreasonable to think we will respond perfectly, God does expect us to fight sexual sin – both internal and external – with real energy (Matthew 5:27-30). If your boyfriend, girlfriend or fiancé(e) is unwilling to fight, that’s a serious red flag.

Alright, let’s go lightning round for the final 12 serious warning signs the relationship you’re in might not be worth continuing.

#14 Lack of alignment on future plans

If you can’t reach unity on major future decisions like number of children or who will raise them, where you’re live, or other big decisions, that’s a red flag you may regret.

#15 Lack of in-person, real-life relationships

If your significant other spends most of his or her time in the virtual world, with minimal effort cultivating real-life relationships, that’s a problem. 

#16 Lack of ambition

God didn’t design everyone to be ‘Type A,’ and that’s a good thing. But he has given everyone time, talents and interests to be used for the good of others (Romans 12:6-8). That ought to excite us, and if it doesn’t motivate your SO, pay attention.

#17 Always talking

James 1:19 admonishes, ‘let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak.’ People who reverse the biblical pattern can’t really know you and you will have little marital intimacy as a result.

#18 Easily angered

The next part of James 1:19 adds that we should be ‘slow to anger’ because merely giving into our anger doesn’t produce godly results. Angry people are typically demanding and you will rarely please them.

#19 Refusal to seek forgiveness

It’s so hard, but so essential, to seek forgiveness when we fail (James 5:15). The pride and  insecurity that refuse to repent block the hope of repair, unity and progress.

#20 Unwillingness to care for the body

It’s true that ‘while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way’ (1 Timothy 4:8). However, God created our bodies and things like sleep, nutrition and exercise matter, too. To neglect these things is to disrespect the way God made us and will eventually negatively affect the people in our lives.

#21 Worshiping the body

It’s equally possible to make the opposite error and worship our bodies by spending too much time working out, running, and geeking out over nutrition. This can reflect a desire for God-like control and a refusal to accept that we live in a fallen world characterized by decline and, ultimately, death. (My tendency, to be honest.)

#22 Financial instability

The bible has a lot to say about finances, including the connection between hard work and wealth (e.g., Proverbs 6:6-8; 10:4). If the person you’re dating is consistently living paycheck to paycheck, it’s not an encouraging sign.

#23 Overemphasis on appearance

God created beauty, some of which is reflected in the people he created. That extends to our physical appearance, but as Matt Chandler puts it, ‘gravity always wins,’ so God warns us not to be wowed by what we can see (1 Samuel 16:7). 

#24 Attention-seeking behavior

We live in an attention-seeking world where it’s perfectly acceptable to have all eyes on us. (I’m looking at you, Instagram and TikTok.) As Tim Keller highlights, our focus should not be on what others think, or even on what we think, but on what God thinks (1 Corinthians 4:3-4). He alone deserves the attention and glory. 

#25 Little concern for those in need

The bible dedicates over 2,000 verses to caring for those in various types of need! So, we must care, too. While this is an area of personal weakness for me, a total lack of concern for those less fortunate should set off warning bells.

Before we move on to how we might avoid these warning signs, let me be clear. All of us should see many of the above negative traits in ourselves! I certainly do. 

We are weak sinners in desperate need of God’s grace and forgiveness, so people in any romantic relationship must bend this toward their boy/girlfriend, fiancé(e), or spouse.

The trick is discerning, with the Lord and other trusted believers, how serious the signs may be when they are present in someone you’re dating or engaged to. God can easily help you do that!

Finding Your Spiritual Equal

So, how can we avoid falling into these traps that will lead to an ultimately unhappy marriage that falls short of God’s purposes? More positively, how can you do your best to ensure you’re committing to a healthy relationship with a life partner who is genuinely good marriage material?

Here are four important things to consider.

If you see some of these warning signs in your own relationship, be honest, re-evaluate, and take a break

If you’ve been in the relationship for a while and you start to feel uneasy, you may feel relational panic and pressure to keep moving forward.  After all, you’ve already put so much time and effort into the relationship. But until you say ‘I do,’ you have the freedom to step back.  Don’t be afraid to bring up your concerns, and take a deep breath so you can think clearly.  

If you’re not sure this is a good relationship you can enjoy for the rest of your life, it’s time to hit the pause button. ‘The wise see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into trouble’ (Proverbs 22:3, NCV).

And if the relationship is unhealthy, have the courage to end it with conviction.

Ask trusted friends and mentors for their opinions and prayers

Because ‘the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick’ (Jer 17.9” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Jeremiah 17:9), we need others to help us see what we can’t.  If you feel uneasy about the relationship, you’re probably onto something, and this is the time to involve others. This is the time to seek input from a best friend or trusted family member for their wisdom. ‘Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety’ (Proverbs 11:14).

Trust that God can provide a godly spouse for you 

One of the things that tempts people to enter a relationship with someone who’s Christian but less mature is the fear that there’s no one better. Totally understandable, but God encourages us that ‘I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?’ (Jer 32.27” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Jeremiah 32:27)  He can easily provide the right person for you.

The Book of Ruth provides one great example of God’s faithfulness in this arena. As the book begins, Ruth loses her husband in the land of Moab while still a young woman (Ruth 1:4-5). She ends up joining her Israelite mother-in-law, Naomi, who had also lost her husband, back to the land of Israel in search of food (Ruth 1:6, 16-18). In the course of her work one day, she just so happens to meet Boaz, an older relative of Ruth’s who winds up marrying Ruth and providing for their entire family’s needs (Ruth 2-4). The entire story is amazing, but the point here is that God unexpectedly provided Boaz and Ruth for each other and he can do the same for you. Even if there doesn’t appear to be much hope as you look around you, nothing is too hard for God.

Pursue Christ and become the kind of person you’d like to marry

I can’t tell you that if you just put God first, he’ll give you a godly spouse.  But, on the authority of God’s Word, I can promise that making Christ your treasure will satisfy you more than getting married.

• ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.’ (John 6.35” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>John 6:35)
• ‘For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.’ (Ps 107.9” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Psalm 107:9)
• ‘In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.’ (Ps 16.11” data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Psalm 16:11)

Can another person ever do that?

No matter what lies ahead, you’ll never be disappointed if you put Christ first.  You’ll be ready for marriage and attract the kind of person you’d like to marry.

Worth The Effort

Does all of this feel like a lot of hard work? While it may not be easy to think and pray seriously about your relationship, a long-term commitment like marriage is worth the effort. Part of this work involves looking critically and prayerfully at your relationship, especially early on, for the warning signs above. 

Of course, we should do this with deep humility, recognizing that we, too, bring weaknesses, challenges, and sin to the table. Our aim is simply to take honest stock of the relationship and see if it is likely to lead to a marriage that can picture the kind of relationship God has with us through Christ (Ephesians 5:31-32). 

Finding someone who is ‘husband material’ or ‘wife material’ will pay unimaginable dividends over the long haul, blessing you, your future spouse, and a world in need.

Questions for reflection:

1. If you’re in a relationship, which of the warning signs are present in your own relationship?
2. If you’re not in a relationship, which ones are you most susceptible to?
3. What would help to protect you from entering or continuing in a relationship of spiritual inequality?